i'm going home

i haven't done anything today and i've already almost cried like 3 times. i told courtney and gen a little bit about it so they are both giving me really sympathetic looks and being great.

the problem is he doesn't want to push me - that's where the just be friends came from. there is a vet school in florida, in gainesville. i looked it up, pretty good. one of the vets at the animal clinic nearest me in rochester went there. and he's already insinuated that he would move with me where ever when i went to vet school. and the rush for the decision comes from a couple of places 1. i'm may be 23, but he's 29 and staring 30 in the face (april 30th) so he's in its time to get married range (esther's grandma told him he was a little ripe to still be single) 2. i think he's already decided in his mind that he would be happy marrying me - so, if i'm not feeling the same way, he'd rather know now that just be sitting around waiting for the fatal blow. we've had this conversation before - i just think its becoming more and more do or die time and harder to just not think about it.

and you know what makes it harder? i don't have anyone to talk to about it. you guys are in another city, i'm not THAT close to gen and courtney and jessie will not listen to a conversation about him. i don't even want to talk to my mom about it because even though she's really come around to being ok with him, i don't think she's ready to hear about how serious he is. since the little break up/get back together in august - i feel so on the defensive about this relationship, like i have to make it seem perfect to everyone so they just lay off their unwanted judgments.

alright, that's it. i'm starting to cry again. i'm going home.